Tag Archives: passion

Fighting Fear with Fear: I’m Finally in My Dream Job But—

 

I’m starting work in yet another company—my Nth employer in my lifetime. But this time it’s different. I am finally in my dream line of work.

It’s not easy. I’m happy—but it’s not easy. I’m having mixed emotions. But mostly anxiousness. Leaving an old job –the work you’d been comfortable with, the people you’d been close with, the place that had become your comfort zone—and then venturing out into the unknown is quite stressful. I’m setting out for a new working environment with unknown culture and personalities.

Sometimes, I wonder if I had made the right choice.

Sometimes, I wonder if I had made the right choice. Was it right to leave my comfort zone and stress out again on trying to adjust, learn and fit in? I had stayed in my last job for more than a year—the longest I’ve ever stayed in one in my entire millennial life. The reason I lasted in this job wasn’t because it was great and fulfilling but because it was so convenient and conflictless. Would it have been right to stay in this job? Would it have been right if I had stayed in a kind of job that gave me a sense of ease but not of achievement? I loved the people I worked with, but was it enough for me to tolerate the job?

Perhaps a better question to ask myself is: what do I want? Then, I’ll know if I had made the right choice.

And this is what I want. I want to grow and accomplish a lot. I want to do what I love because we only live once.

I see what I love in the new company—the opportunity to write and the chance to be read. I have worked in customer service, media production, advertising and business development, but this is the first time ever that I will be doing a job that is actually my passion and specialization (writing was my college major). This is a great leap towards the fulfillment of my dreams. A stepping stone to becoming a renowned writer.

To be able to do what I love is a great motivation, so why am I so apprehensive?


I tend to be anxious about many things. So, recently, I made a personal diagram of how I can fight fears, and applied it in this situation.

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The first step is, like they always say, acknowledge the fears—admit the things that I am afraid of.

I am afraid that the new job might be too demanding and stressful that I won’t be able to keep up with it. I am afraid of doing something clumsy or stupid that people are going to judge me. I am afraid of not matching the wavelength of my new colleagues and be alienated. Not only am I afraid but do I also hate to force myself to reach out to people. I’m generally a friendly and approachable person, but I hate feeling like it’s a requirement to make friends and like I have to force myself to come up with icebreakers. I like conversations to flow naturally. I’m scared of being judged.

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The next step is to know why. Why am I afraid of these things?

I walked into a bigger world with a greater assortment of personalities good and bad.

I am not even sure why I feel so afraid and concerned about not matching with other people, being alienated or being judged. I know these are all pointless, restrictive fears. Perhaps I have these ridiculous fears because my self-esteem is so vulnerable and I have the natural instinct to protect my wellbeing. In the university, I was trained and have gotten used to being open to constructive criticisms. But those were criticisms of work. I wasn’t trained to be receptive to personal criticisms. I grew up in a small and mellow environment and had always been lucky to meet good-natured friends. But as I stepped out of college, I walked into a bigger world with a greater assortment of personalities good and bad. I wasn’t used to it.

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Now that I have acknowledged what my fears are and why I fear them, my third and final step is to find more productive fears. What am I more afraid of?

I can’t grow and accomplish things, in this one shot I got at life, if I let my fears hold me back.

I go back to the question of what do I want? I want to grow and accomplish a lot. As far as I can tell, we only live once. And I’m afraid that I can’t grow and accomplish things, in this one shot I got at life, if I let my fears hold me back. I am more afraid to just leave this world and be buried six feet below the ground without leaving a legacy. I want to be remembered through my writing, or whatever creative craft I do. This is what I am more afraid of.

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As a self-confessed sluggish and sleepy girl, I am met every day with the greatest temptation of just burying my face in my iPod or laptop and binging on Netflix and video games. But every day I am also confronted with this greater fear of not becoming the person I want to be, not growing and not accomplishing.


Now, this is what I personally thought up based on my experiences, which I feel is a very good way to fight irrational fears. I have found, however, that there is a book that has tackled the same concept, although it highlighted more on the fear of God; and a very cute and touching episode of a Japanese anime I loved very much as a kid. Fear of God may be the best kind of fear, but in a more earthly sense, a good fear can be anything. It can be the fear of hurting the people you love or the fear of not achieving your dreams.

I may be afraid to leave my comfort zone or make mistakes in the new job or not be liked by everyone, but all of these are a part of the wholeness of the world—at least the world I live in. Leaving my comfort zone means widening my horizons and stretching my capabilities. Making mistakes means learning. And not being liked by everyone? We can’t please everyone, it’s true. But as long as there are people who love me, I will keep going.

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A Writer’s Insecurities

I might be the only “writer” who does not have a proper portfolio. I did major in writing in college. But I do not have any past entries on any website or any article published anywhere. Nor any experience in a conference except for a half-day travel writing workshop by a local writers organization.

Now, I have this WordPress blog that is quite young, with few followers, that I’m not sure I can be proud of.

It sometimes makes me insecure and makes me think, should I really be here in this path? Should I really be aspiring to become a writer? There are lots of good writers out there. What good have I to offer that they cannot?

But then, on the other hand, I have been writing and scribbling all my life. I love writing about my goals and my dreams. About stories that I wish were my own. About love and other mushy things. I have done all those not to publish but to satisfy myself. I crave for writing, and I give in to it.

I guess, before you write for others, you write for yourself. Publishing is good boost for one’s pride. The writing itself is a personal fulfillment.

I probably cannot eliminate all my insecurities as a writer, but that does not mean they can stop me from writing either. Perhaps blogging like this is my first step to getting myself known to the rest of the world. That, hey, there’s somebody over here who likes to write about stuff. And, maybe, just maybe, someday the whole world will be reading me, too.

FINALLY –A degree.

I took up a four-year course in the university in 2007. I was fifteen, and I had a lot to look forward to. In four years, I would graduate very young at nineteen. Still a teenager. But then, some turn of events (just silly, nothing serious like getting pregnant or what) caused me to delay my graduation.

I started in the university like how most freshmen are–responsible and grade-conscious. Never missed a class. Come my sophomore year, I learned to chill and take things easy. I would maximize the allowable absences, cram on papers and assignments and deliver a report in class unprepared. Surprisingly–never a fail mark.

After my sophomore year, I took off from college to try out a full-time job. At first, I said it would only be for one semester, and then I’ll be back. That one semester turned into a year. And then, two years. No regrets. My experiences as a young worker had been fun. I experienced earning a lot of money and spending it aimlessly, drinking all night with colleagues, having crushes at work and all crazy sorts. I also learned how to take care of myself, explore new hobbies and interests, and mingle with people. I saw a bigger world.

I came back to the university with a larger sense of the world.

Intent on finishing what I had started in the university, I worked hard through my remaining years in college. I lived on my own and kept a part-time job to support myself (It’s hard and exciting to be independent). I worked the hardest in my final semester. I slightly crammed on my manuscript, but I took it seriously. I spent long hours at the university library to finish it. In a way, I was like a freshman again. Grade-conscious and eager. Well, I wouldn’t want to mess up my last semester. I wouldn’t want to extend for another term!

And it all paid off.

Today, I have submitted my manuscript. I only received positive comments from my academic adviser. I am also very satisfied with my work. In the end, it has all been easy. In July next year, I will be joining the ceremony for the graduates of the school year 2014-2015. I will be there because I deserve it. I deserve to be recognized as–finally–a graduate after years of struggle through college.

I am twenty-something now. I am graduating not a teenager anymore. But it doesn’t matter now. They say age doesn’t matter in love, and so in graduation. The best things come to those who wait and work hard for them. I finished what I had started, and that’s what matters to me. I am proud.

 

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To a twenty-something girl

Some say you are already twenty. Some say you’re only 20. Sometimes, you feel old. Sometimes, you feel young and childish.

Sometimes, you feel like you missed a lot of things when you were a lot younger. You feel that you’ve missed studying hard and actually learning… Saving money from your summer job… Learning how to be an artist… Doing the things you [might] love… Collecting stuff… And most of all, you feel like you’ve missed getting to know yourself.

You want to be able to face people and tell them right away what your favorite food is, your favorite brand of clothing or your favorite cartoon show. More so, you want to be able to tell what kind of person you are. You might be a loner. A crybaby. Or a bitch. Sometimes, you’re a piece of everything. You want to know what makes you really happy and what makes you super sad so you can tell people who might care. You want to know what you love doing and what you are good at so that you can do them.

Tell you what. You are older than before but you are still young. Unless you get hit by a truck or catch a deadly flu tomorrow, you still have a lot of time to be intimate with yourself. You have a lot of time to write and you can start now.

You have a lot of time to live. But don’t wait ’til you’re forty.